Bunco with my Mom

Shelly plays Bunco with a group of ladies once a month. This month they were short a few players so she asked Sonia and myself if we wanted in on the action. I don’t know about Sonia but I reluctantly agreed. I had nothing to lose, worst case scenario there was still wine involved.

We walked in the door and met all the ladies. We were greeted with a story about Girl Scouts and KY?!?!? Something about they were learning to use tampons and if they had trouble they could use a little KY to help. Ooooook, I thought to myself? The odd part is that one of the ladies suggested using the kind with warming sensation. Now I’m thinking to myself “What the fuck did I get myself into?” I glance over at my mother and this bitch is cracking up! Uhhhhhh???? This sort of a reaction from the lady that is too conservative to refer to wooo haaa parts as anything other than “pee pees” (whether it is a boy/girl part does not matter they are all “pee pees” to her). I learned everything I know about tampons and all that good stuff from my sister because Shelly was to shy to talk to us about it and now here she is laughing hysterically about the KY Jelly joke?

So, the night progresses and we start playing Bunko. I roll the dice and I get a Bunko. I have no idea because this is my first time playing and have no clue what’s going on. But guess who screams “BUNKO!!! Tiff, you get the dick crown!!!” Who other than my fucking mother? Yep, those words came out of Shelly’s mouth. It was the first time I heard her refer to the male genitalia as “dick”. She calls people dicks all the time but NEVER calls a “pee pee” a dick.

I got the joy of wearing this little treasure until the next lady rolled a bunko and snatched it off my head.


(Sorry about the picture I had to take it as quick as I could. These ladies were serious about the game and to hell if the new girl was going to hold them up)

I also called Shelly out BIG TIME! Whoever is hosting Bunko that month gets a little present for the birthday girls of that month. I had no idea where the orchid came from all I know is Shelly kills EVERYTHING and there had been an orchid in the front garden and I kept bugging them to bring the thing inside because common sense is it is getting to cold for it at night. I don’t know how the subject got brought up but one of the ladies was talking about killing plants and I was all “Shelly is the worst. She has this orchid…” and all the sudden WHACK! Shelly’s eyes go huge and she slaps my arm. I was about to tell the same friend that gave her the orchid about how she is slowly killing the poor thing. Haha oops. Robin don’t worry Shelly has brought it inside. It may be a little brown here and there but never the less it is still kicking!


Since this is yet another post about Shelly’s antics I should probably shouldn't hold back and I should tell you about one day when her and her friend went to lunch and they were drunk texting me when I was trying to work.

This is Cyndee, she’s my favorite. And here is how the text messaging went…

Lunch with Shelly…


Bitches!!!


And those two replied with this picture of Cyndee’s neighbor? Apparently this is a normal thing for Cyndee’s negiborhood? All I know is they got me good. I was stumped, I had no come back to this...


What the hell? How could I have expected less from my girl Cyndee?

Here goes nothing...

It has been FOREVER since I last blogged. I started a few posts but have not finished one. Right now I have 3 sitting in the draft folder of my Outlook. Life has sort of been put on hold since the accident with Lollie. A lot has happened, seems like one thing after another. I am back and will make an attempt at remembering the important stuff. Here we go…

Lollie Dollie

The love of my life is doing great! The doctors can’t believe how great she is doing and say she must really love us to pull through what she did. She wasn’t even supposed to make it through the first night. She is back to doing her normal things playing, eating treats, going on walks, mostly being naughty. She still has a head tilt and gets a little off balance but has only been a month and it will be months before her punctured eardrum heals and her equilibrium comes back. Her left eye still looks a little bit bigger because of the infection behind the eye and in her inner eardrum from the bacteria in the coyote’s mouth (the bacteria in their mouth is so gnarly because they eat dead things and the Neurologist said that an infection may pop up and it did). NASTY! Just another reason we should exterminate those horrible fuckers don’t you think? She still has a long way to go and a whole lot of healing to do but she is getting there. The doctors are “optimistic for a full recovery”. We went back to the lake house for the first time. She was so happy to be there and showed no signs of associating the house with the accident she could have been happier to be there and loved being on the lake with us.

Yo Tristan

I am ready for you to move back to the states now. To be honest I have been ready since the day you left 6 long years ago. Incase you didn’t hear the Philippines was hit with a major typhoon. Manila (where she’s at) was hit the hardest. It rains like crazy there so imagine what happened when as much rain as they usually get in the month of September came down in a matter of 6 hours. My sister lives in a 3 story house that is sooo cutely decorated. And if you know my sister you know what I mean her whole house is super nice. The water started coming in her house and flooded about 2 feet high into her bottom floor. She tried to put everything up but she could only do what she could. She had Mailee and Maui to keep busy on the top floors while she waited for Bran. Bran was trying to get to them but was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic (and I am not talking LA traffic much much WORSE!!! I know hard to imagine but its true I’ve seen it) it took him 6 hours to go 5 miles! Once he got out of the stopped traffic he parked the car far from their house and had to walk in chest high water. Everything on that floor is ruined, stove, washer/dryer couches, etc. They have been hit by more typhoons and storms but nothing like the first. They are all fine but the people that lost everything are not. Pray for the Philippines . Don’t you think it is time to come home???

A surprise visit

We had a very special surprise visit from my cousin Christina! We haven’t seen her or her husband Dave since they got married a while back and that trip was full of under aged drinking, I won’t mention any names (Lynnsey Erin!!!) haha. They live up in the Reno area and drove down to visit and introduce their new addition to family. It was the first time we got to meet Baby Riley!!! He looks EXACTLY like Chris. He looks just like her now and even more like her baby pictures, like twins! He was the cutest little thing, we couldn’t stop squeezing his chubby little baby thighs. I tried to get the web cam up and get on with Tristan and Miles but my damn USB ports are not recognizing when you stick anything in them!?!?!? We could see them but they couldn’t see the baby :(

They said he was in a cranky mood but he was so sweet and all smiles. Riley is 7 months, I have only really met one baby that age and it was Miles when she was 6 months. And let me tell you… Riley’s cranky was no way near Mile’s cranky!!! Thanks for the visit guys we loved Riley!!! I can’t wait until all the babies get to play together next summer. I just hope your babies don’t get any ideas of pulling my babies tail :)

Transferred!

It only took me 6 years but I FINALLY transferred and I will be working on a bachelor’s degree instead of an A.A. I had better knock off my spending habits from the looks of school loans (hello budget and adios online shopping) I finally decided to pull my head out of my ass and get it done with. Wish me luck, I need it. Business degree here I come!!! I’m not making any promises Mom and Dad but maybe I will finish before its time for me to retire.

No promises.

Shrink Wrap and a Road Trip

Friday my mother and Lollie and I headed to Havasu to meet Dad and friends out at the house. They drove out the night before in a caravan of 4 vehicles towing 4 Sea-Doos and a trailer full of furniture. I guess I should stop here and tell you about that said furniture… Well, my Dad was out at his plant in SD and somehow got a wild hair up his ass and bought a sleeper couch, a bedroom set, 2 area rugs, a mattress and box spring. The kitchen table we bought 2 MONTHS AGO finally arrived earlier last week and he hauled the new furniture home. It all sat on the trailer in front of the house for days and the night before he was driving it out to Havasu I found myself in the front yard loading the shit strategically on to the trailer. Once all the sit was piled high and I thought he was good to go I found myself helping my Dad shrink wrap the furniture to the trailer. I wish I would have taken a picture, it was a sight. Must have worked because he made it the 300 (give or take) miles with out any problems.

Satuday we spent the day on the lake and I had so much fun! We wakeborded, skied, kneeboarded, Sea-Dooed (sp?) and hung out in a cove.

Why didn’t someone tell me to squeeze my cheeks?!?!?!?

Ok if you have ever been offended by my blog in the past here is where you do yourself a favor and stop reading…

So, while we were on the lake messing around it must have slipped my mind how much fun my friend Kimmy is because I blame her for my bruised tailbone. Some one had the bright idea to go check out Copper Canyon . And someone else had an even brighter idea to jump off the 50ft cliff (what the fuck was I thinking???). It did not take anything to talk Kimmy into jumping with me and I thought it was no big deal. Well, me and Kimmy rode the See-Doos while everyone else toke a ride in the boat. Once we got there we started to get nervous so we pounded Coors Light’s and jumped in the water to swim to the cliff. We climbed up the rock and started to get even more nervous. I tried to talk her into jumping from the smaller jump but Kimmy has MUCH bigger balls then I do and turned to me and said and I quote “We’re already here we might as well go to the top” Damn you Kimmy!!! I followed her to the very tippity top and watched her jump. That’s when I turned around and looked at the guy behind me who was even more scared shitless then myself and said “FUCK!!! She jumped and now I have to!” I hesitantly climbed to the top in cheap sandals and stood there looking 50ft down into the water. To the right you can see a big ass rock just under the water and you can envision yourself going SPLAT! You want to be sure you push off the right way which felt impossible trying to get your footing while you’re buzzed up and it’s windy up there. I could hear the crowd cheering me on but it must have taken me longer then they liked because I heard one heckler yell PUSSY! Haha I knew I was going to jump I was stuck. I took a deep breath and leaped off the rock.

The fall felt great until I hit the water. It hurt so bad I didn’t even paddle to the surface I just let my blubber take me up. When I came up I saw Ray on the See Doo and it must have looked like it hurt because he looked at my bulging eyes and asked if I was ok and I tried my hardest to answer him but the pain took my breath away. I got out “I’m fine but I think I ripped my butthole open”. He laughed and I swam to the boat and climbed up and I shared with everyone that I think I just received an episiotomy courtesy of Lake Havasu . They also laughed but I was dead serious. I have had a lake enema before but not like this, not both ways. My Dad took me to the dock where I pushed out a little turd and my butt wash bleeding. How gross am I? I pooped and my asshole was bleeding!!! I almost made my mom look up my brown eye but I felt much better by the time we got back to the house. My tailbone is bruised and it hurts like a bitch!!!!!! I know I shouldn’t share things like this on the internet but friends and family take it from me next time you jump 50ft make sure you SQUEEZE YOUR CHEEKS! And most importantly avoid a butt flop!

Kimmy's Jump :)

My Jump :(

I am now fresh and clean and you can thank me later for the advice. Until next time bitches.

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I saw on TMZ that your Daisy was taken by a coyote just a week after my Lollie Dollie was brutally attacked.




I am really sorry to read about what happened and my heart breaks for you. If you are at all interested in joining my coyote killing brigade you are more then welcome. I will even make you an honorary member as a tribute to Daisy. Sort of like my co-captain if you will…



Let me know J. Simps?


Sincerely,

Tiffany L. Fernandez
Captain of the Coyote Assassins
Mohave Desert Division

I had the WORST Labor Day weekend!

You will have to excuse my spelling and grammar on this post I am going to write it as fast as I can and I am not going to proof read so here we go...



Friday night I was excited to start the long weekend and had a fantastic night with my boyfriend at the happiest place on earth. We stayed in California Adventure and sipped from the beer cart in between rides.



Saturday morning we woke up and were lounging around when I got a call from my mom. Trying to keep her composer she barely got out “Tiff, a coyote got Lollie”. That’s about all I remember from the conversation. I burst into tears and screamed God knows what at her? What I can remember is being so sick to my stomach I could have barfed on command. Not sure what the damage was Shane and I immediately packed up our bags and headed to Havasu. Thank God for Shane! He drove my sobbing ass the whole way to Havasu on the gas. I won’t even talk about the snot I produced that ride… Gallons!



Here’s the story…



Because I am such a selfish bitch I leave my Lollie with Shelly and Mondo quite often these days. This was one of those weekends and my parents took Lollie with them out to Havasu for the weekend.



We NEVER let Lollie go outside alone not even in BP. We know all about the coyote problem in Havasu and never ever take our eyes off of her. Well, they had been in the front all morning when my mom answered a phone call and was watching Lollie. They were in the driveway and my Dad’s truck was parked in the middle when Lollie went on the other side of the tire. Shelly was hanging up the phone and calling Lollie to come back. Lollie was not even 10 feet away from my Mom when a coyote grabbed her. Shelly said she heard one yelp from Lollie and ran to her and saw a coyote running with her in its mouth. Shelly went running and screaming hysterical after the fucking thing and my Dad came running out from the backyard after it.



Thank God my mom was so loud and screaming her ass off because our neighbors from way down the street thought there was a fight our something and a husband and wife came running out. The husband had a stick in his hand and must have scared the nasty ass coyote because for some reason it dropped Lollie. The man started yelling at my Dad who never saw the coyote “It dropped it! It dropped it!” and pointed in some brush where Lollie was. It drug her about 150 yards! When my Dad saw Lollie she wasn’t moving and all of the sudden she jumped up and started thrashing around hurt. My Dad picked her up and started sprinting for the truck.



For some reason a cop had a car full of people pulled over right when you come out of our neighborhood. They are still not sure if the cop had given them a ticket or not but he dropped what he was doing and told my Dad to follow him. They speed right behind the cop to the vet. Thank you baby Jesus for that cop! We can’t thank you enough Officer Pete’s friend!!! He called ahead and the vet and vet techs were waiting outside for Lollie. Between the cop getting them to the vet so quick and the vet and her husband they saved her life.



Lollie got bit in the head and neck and has a bunch of puncture wounds. That asshole coyote’s teeth went straight into her ear hole and punctured her eardrum. She had brain trauma, a brain bleed, a broken jaw and was losing a lot of blood. Like I said earlier 150 YARDS!!! My Lollie is only 7 pounds and that fucker drug her, banging her on the ground trying to kill her for 150 yards (a full football field and a half!). Since Havasu does not have adequate care for this type of trauma and Lollie was not stable enough to make it the 2 ½ hours to Vegas the Vet and her husband who was the nurse at the place took her home to watch her because her brain was swelling and they were not sure if she was going to make it through the night. They called us every 4 hours with an update.



We picked her up Sunday morning and I finally got to see her. She had stigmas because of the brain trauma and her eyes were twitching back and forth like crazy and she was holding her little head to the side with her left ear way down because her equilibrium was off due to her eardrum. She had 4 IVs going in her little body and looked like she had parkinson's or something. Her whole left side is shaved and let’s not even talk about the bruising. She was stable enough to make the drive to Tustin to see the neurologist. We drove straight there. She passed all of the neurology tests except her eyes but she still could not walk. It has been a week and they can’t believe how much she has recovered or that she even made it through all of that.



Only a week and she is doing great! She still holds her head to the side and walks like she is a little drunk but her eardrum will take time to heal. They say she might always have the slit head tilt but they give her an optimistic chance at recovering 100%. Everyone keeps saying that God saved her but what I want to know is why God let it happen to my baby in the first place!?!?!?



Sorry if I left anything out, I really wanted to get this post over and done with. Plus, I am a little distracted by googling the best way to kill a coyote. If anyone else is in for a few kills let me know? All we need is a hunting license and it is game on!



Thanks for everyone’s love and support



Yours truly,



The Fucking Coyote Hunter

They say it's your birthday.

A Happy Birthday is in order. But we will call it more of an ode to the women who birthed my sister and me.



From left to Right: Tiffany Lauren and Tristan Lynn





Tris and Tiff





I guess I should write something nice for my mother’s birthday. But, if I did she would probably fall over dead. And since we need her around for a little while longer I have decided to go with my same old banter…







Once we forgot Shelly’s birthday. And oh did she ever give us hell for it! She kept quite the entire day and into the night waiting and waiting, maybe she thought we were going to surprise her? And when nothing was mentioned she stopped halfway up the stairs and screamed “You forgot my birthday!?!?!” which caused me and my sister to look at each other and go into a laughing frenzy. Shelly stomped the rest of the way up the stairs and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night. Our Dad called us bitches (we usually are), shoved some cash in our hands and sent us to the store to buy a cake and candles but it was a lost cause, there was no salvaging her day after that one. She still after many years has not let us live it down. “I’m scarred for life” is her recollection of that year’s lack of celebration. Oops.







I can remember an inestimable amount of times she locked herself in her room when we were kids. I like to think of me and Tristan as a tag team instead of sisters. We didn’t fight with each other often growing up but what we would do is team up against our parents. 99.99% of the time Shelly was our prime target, we would wear her down until she had enough and once we got the rise out of her she would stomp up the stairs and lock herself away from us in self defense. Victory was sweet! Now that we are adults we have incorporated new tactics to torture our parentals. She no longer locks herself in her room, I am never home and my sister lives 5000 miles away. Three-way comes in handy and she now just hangs up on our asses.



Mother/daughter bouffant





Did your parents ever tell you things like “I have had it up to HERE with you Tiffany Lauren!”? With emphasis on the HERE! And then point with four fingers scrunched together somewhere near their head? Well, I think our mom must have invented it. We knew when we really got her going, she would use her coined phrase but the four finger pointer was up high above her head. I wish she would still do that. Hey Mailee, any chance you want to play a game called Mama Shelly’s “had it” level???







Shelly isn’t what you would consider a wild child. But in her old age it is safe to say she has been the life of the party. One New Years Eve we came home to find her on the couch with a cowgirl hat on and in front of her was her own personal platter of Jell-O shots. She was watching some hick comedy tour, fist pumping the air and screaming WHOOOOOHHHHHOOOO!!! This was her first time inebriated and needless to say she didn’t leave the bathroom floor that night. She must have learned a lesson I have yet to be taught because she hasn’t seen that floor so close up since. This new found wild side of our Mother’s also decided she was going to get a tattoo two years ago. Tristan and I told her not to but she didn’t listen. She got this little number in Vegas with a pastor’s wife…











At this point you probably feel bad for Shelly. Well, don’t. She deserves all the teasing she receives from us two. Although my sister is much less brutal than myself I think that maybe due to the fact she has blocked out most of our childhood. She blames it on the epidural and says she can’t remember anything before Miles was born.







Tristan how can you forget! This is why!!! I know it’s painful but it is things like this that make you question if Mom ever loved us?



Splash splash splash!





I'm a dancing poodle...





Yes, that litte boy to the left is me





We love you Shelly and Happy 48th Birthday you pain in my ass!



I said Good Day.

Oh no!

Shelly has been on a hiatus this week, she has been in Havasu with her wild friend Cindy living it up. I had no idea she was even home because I have been at Shane’s. But, apparently she is home. And with a bang too, I just got a picture message saying “Someone went 2 the beauty parlor”. And from the picture it appears she sure did, they butchered my poor Lollie Lynn. First things first when I get home, that fagot ass bow placed directly on top of her head is gone… 

And for the picture… What the fuck Mom??? Fix her bow! 

Tiffany Fernandez

Obsessions

Since our VP’s assistant has been on maternity leave I get the luxury of picking up lunches for the head honchos. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. It not only gets me out of the office it also gets me free lunch. 9 times out of 10 they want this place on Beach and Commonwealth called The Sandwichbar. I am obsessed with their Mango Green Tea Smoothie. It is delicious!!!

 

 Side note: Equally delicious are coconut M&M’s! Bonus: Shane hates anything coconut so I don’t have to share.

 

Hmmm... Maybe this is why I’m sooo FAT???

Death by boredom

I have been dying of boredom in a regional conference the past few days. So, I thought I would share with you all the highlight of my work week thus far… There are these hard candies on the tables for what I imagine is for staying awake. You know spiking your blood sugar for 20min. before you pop another into your mouth in order to keep your eyes open while daydreaming away. Excuse the horrible picture I sneakily took it under the table with my blackberry. Of course I can only speak for myself but by far the best thing about the whole shindig was this pineapple flavored slice of heaven!!! Yuuuuuuuum.
 f

I have something to admit.

I have not only been neglecting you my dearest blog. I have also been neglecting my prima Sol Marie Rodriguez and I think she may have gotten her feelings hurt. I have made fun of my Mom and Dad countless times in my short blogging career but never mentioned her and she has brought it to my attention that she deserves a post she can call her own. So, with that said here’s to you Solita Jones!

I have a million and two stories about this lady that would have you pee your pants laughing. We call her Tequila Sol and for a good reason too. This bitch LOVES tequila and when I say this I am not talking about Jose Cuervo people, I am talking about the good shit. Nothing but top shelf. A word from the wise: avoid going drink for drink with this girl. Also, try to avoid pink jumpsuits you will regret it later (trust meeee!)

This is Tequila Sol in full effect:



And this is a photo from the very same night except these two obnoxious drunks did not make it out alive:



As you can tell from her picture she has a bit more Latin flowing through her veins than me and my sister. A bit more means half as much more, she is a full blooded loud and proud Latina . Case in point, her Ivy Queen nails:



Here a picture of Ivy Queen - La Reina del Reggaeton (The Queen of Reggaeton)



And here a picture of the real La Reina del Reggaeton’s nails aka Sol’s talons



How either of those Boricua’s wipes their asses blows my mind. As I am sitting here going through my picture archives I can’t help but laugh out loud. I can’t decide what stories to tell or which pictures to show you. What I can decide are the stories not to tell and the pictures you’ll never see. But, that’s between us primas.



When my sister got married a few years ago we all went to the big island of Hawaii . I still don’t think Kailua-Kona knows what hit them. One word… Lulu’s! No, make that two words… Booooze Cruise!







I can’t write a post dedicated to Sol Marie without talking about her four punk ass kids Mandi, Carlitos, Brianna and Lizzy. Her oldest is about to turn 12! TWELEVE!!! Jesus Christ, I can remember when he came shooting out! I was 12! Our Grandma died earlier this year and in true Fernandez fashion we had her funeral and then celebrated her life. We celebrate life the same exact way we celebrate anything and everything else with a huge ass party. Family and friends over for food and drinks then more drinks and more drinks and so on. Her kids really enjoyed playing beer pong with us… Go figure?!

Have I mentioned she is a newlywed yet again? Yes, again. To be politically correct you can formally call her as Sol Marie Rodriguez- Arellano- Arreola- Cantu- Gonzales. She may have not done things by the book but I say fuck the book she and her kids are happy and healthy that’s all that matters. Congratulations Sol and Cesar Gonzales!



I wasn’t lying when I said I have a million and two stories. Like that one time we visited a whore house in Mexico , or the time she got caught pants down ass out peeing by that helicopter at the races. I am telling you I could go on and on and on. Instead of going into a million stories I will leave you with some pictures:









Cheers Solie! I love you Bitch! ♥

Dear Blog,

I know I have been neglecting you and for that I am sorry. All is well just busy. I don’t really feel like updating on everything since my last post so I will just leave you with a short story from my last trip to Lake Havasu...

My Dad brought one of his best buddies Uncle Boo up with him. We got to the house around 10pm Friday night and the plan was to hit the beds because we were going to get up at 6am to beat the crowd launching the boat. The rest of the plan for the weekend was to get back to the house and get some work done. Well, let me tell you things did not go as planned. It all started out with a few cocktails and shooting the shit with each other. That’s when I started to notice the plan go a little array. If my dad has ever made you a drink then you know what I mean when I say he makes them STRONG! And if you have ever been lucky (in some cases unlucky) enough to have a drink that was stirred by “THE CARRIBEAN STIRRER” then it’s probably a safe beat you woke up with a hangover.

What the hell is “THE CARRIBEAN STIRRER” you ask? Well, my Dad is straight out of Bayamon , Puerto Rico and when he gets hammered he starts making drinks even stronger than usual and stirring them with his finger instead of something more sanitary like you know maybe a spoon, or just shaking the glass. I’ll be honest by the time he sticks his finger into your drink and yells “CARIBEAN STRIRRER” the drink is so fucking strong any germs or amebas on his finger are instantly killed by all the alcohol. Uncle Boo and my Dad take their party of 2 to the Coleman chairs and park them at the end of the driveway while the rest of us wind down. I walk outside to remind my Dad I am waking him up at 6am and no later than 6:02am will drag him out of bed to hit the water. And this is when I realize the plan had been demolished by Bloody Mary’s:

I follow the smell of Uncle Boo’s grape flavored baby cigar to the end of the driveway where I am blinded by my Dad’s rendition of a laser light show straight into my retinas! That asshole started fucking with me and making fun of me. That’s when I said good night BICTHES! Good thing too because I think any longer and he would have done some permanent damage with the Magna-Light. From here I couldn’t tell you what the two were up to. All I know is Shelly went out there at 4am and put the 2 drunks to bed. At 5am Shelly woke me up in a semi panic “Where’s your Dad?” oh God at this point who fucking knows “Did you check the driveway?” I asked. She looked in the front and backyard but no Mondo in sight. I am unconcerned with where he is at this point. For the love of Jesus Christ he blinded me earlier… me, his youngest daughter. Shelly picks up a 10ft blow up pool that is upside down in the middle of the living room floor wondering why it was there in the first place. And what do you know there’s her husband face down passed the fuck out. Guess he felt like a swim? Haha

So, 6am comes and goes and Mondo is still unconscious. Uncle Boo’s state is unclear until about 9am when he comes walking out of the room all tossed and announces to everyone “I THREW UP! YUP, LIKE A BITCH!” I wrote that entire sentence in all CAPS because that’s just how he said it. Loud.

Needless to say we finally got on the water that afternoon. Hangovers and all, for once theirs not mine.

I have pictures but they take to long to upload so use your imagination. Until next time Suckers…

Happy Birthday Shane-In-The-Ass!!!

I had a great weekend. I spent Friday night with my Life Partner! We planned on going down to Huntington to be wined and dined courtesy of my parent’s gift certificates but it did not work out and we decided to keep it classy and head back to BP. We just wanted to sit and chat because it has been a few months since we have been able to get the low down on each other besides emails. So, we figured cheap beer and chubby food was a good plan and spent the night sipping Coors Light/Bud Light schooners and devouring Alber Tacos. We went to Campus and had a great time in the corner (purposely by ourselves) until some weirdo who was so drunk he couldn’t even speak let alone make a coherent sentence fell in love with Julie. Not sure if putting your face really close to someone else’s and staring really hard while mumbling god know what counts as flirting but Julie was NOT amused. After making an honest attempt at being polite Julie had to resort to more drastic measures get rid of Julio? Juan? ummm Pablo? (I don’t remember what his name was but I am pretty sure it was one of those if not something close) Well, after she let him have it he finally said something we could make out as the English language. He told her she was a fucking bitch! Haha Listen Paco your correct about that one now beat it! After that little altercation shit head only came back once so I guess Jules has still got it haha. Thanks babe for the fun night and I better see you again before you leave!!!



Saturday was Tami’s baby shower! She looks sooo cute! Is Hunter done cooking yet? We can’t wait to see him! I didn’t win any of the baby games but I think we all know how great I am with babies so pretty sure no one expected me to. I did get to catch up with some great girls I rarely see anymore. After the shower I headed to Shane’s to start his birthday festivities. We watched the fights at a friend’s house. In between the fights Rich asks us if we want to see what his daughter built earlier that day. We of course say yes thinking it is something more appropriate for an 8 year old to build than a machine gun! What the fuck? Anyway when the fights we over we headed over to another friends and had some drinks. This is Steve. He is Kenny’s roommate’s dog and he is an alcoholic. If you leave your drink unattended Steve will sneak over, somehow pick it up by the lid and take off with it. He’s a miniature greyhound and runs gnarly fast and when he gets mad at his owner Kenny said he will jump the fence no problem and take off down the street. He has that guilty look on his face because that’s his pile of stolen beers:











At midnight we celebrated Shane’s 32nd birthday with a shot of tequila! He is going to kill me for posting this video but I think it is so funny. As you can tell from Michael's (who was the designated drivers) face we are pretty annoying so if you can make it that far make sure you watch Steve's apperance at the end…

Untitled from Tiffany Fernandez on Vimeo.

Sunday we continued our celebrating at the Angels game. Its super nerve racking to tail gate, those damn horse cops are everywhere! We were pretty good at hiding our drinks so we didn’t get a warning or anything but they wrote tickets all around us. So, if you are ever drinking in the Angels stadium parking lot watch out it’s a $250 ticket. We had pretty good seats in the field box section. We watched about half the game at our seats and then the other half in suite 58 . Thanks Kristy!!! I have been in a few suites before but this suite by far had the best view. We were almost right behind home plate on the 1st base side. It was so hot but a great game, the Yankees got swept ha suck it Yankees! I have been dying for Shane’s birthday to get here. I got him a happy birthday on the big screen and could not wait to see his reaction to it. Sorry about my photography skills:







And I will end with a few more from the game:















Hope everyone had as good of a time as we did! I know the birthday boy did because this is how I drove him home haha