Oh no!

Shelly has been on a hiatus this week, she has been in Havasu with her wild friend Cindy living it up. I had no idea she was even home because I have been at Shane’s. But, apparently she is home. And with a bang too, I just got a picture message saying “Someone went 2 the beauty parlor”. And from the picture it appears she sure did, they butchered my poor Lollie Lynn. First things first when I get home, that fagot ass bow placed directly on top of her head is gone… 

And for the picture… What the fuck Mom??? Fix her bow! 

Tiffany Fernandez

Obsessions

Since our VP’s assistant has been on maternity leave I get the luxury of picking up lunches for the head honchos. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. It not only gets me out of the office it also gets me free lunch. 9 times out of 10 they want this place on Beach and Commonwealth called The Sandwichbar. I am obsessed with their Mango Green Tea Smoothie. It is delicious!!!

 

 Side note: Equally delicious are coconut M&M’s! Bonus: Shane hates anything coconut so I don’t have to share.

 

Hmmm... Maybe this is why I’m sooo FAT???

Death by boredom

I have been dying of boredom in a regional conference the past few days. So, I thought I would share with you all the highlight of my work week thus far… There are these hard candies on the tables for what I imagine is for staying awake. You know spiking your blood sugar for 20min. before you pop another into your mouth in order to keep your eyes open while daydreaming away. Excuse the horrible picture I sneakily took it under the table with my blackberry. Of course I can only speak for myself but by far the best thing about the whole shindig was this pineapple flavored slice of heaven!!! Yuuuuuuuum.
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I have something to admit.

I have not only been neglecting you my dearest blog. I have also been neglecting my prima Sol Marie Rodriguez and I think she may have gotten her feelings hurt. I have made fun of my Mom and Dad countless times in my short blogging career but never mentioned her and she has brought it to my attention that she deserves a post she can call her own. So, with that said here’s to you Solita Jones!

I have a million and two stories about this lady that would have you pee your pants laughing. We call her Tequila Sol and for a good reason too. This bitch LOVES tequila and when I say this I am not talking about Jose Cuervo people, I am talking about the good shit. Nothing but top shelf. A word from the wise: avoid going drink for drink with this girl. Also, try to avoid pink jumpsuits you will regret it later (trust meeee!)

This is Tequila Sol in full effect:



And this is a photo from the very same night except these two obnoxious drunks did not make it out alive:



As you can tell from her picture she has a bit more Latin flowing through her veins than me and my sister. A bit more means half as much more, she is a full blooded loud and proud Latina . Case in point, her Ivy Queen nails:



Here a picture of Ivy Queen - La Reina del Reggaeton (The Queen of Reggaeton)



And here a picture of the real La Reina del Reggaeton’s nails aka Sol’s talons



How either of those Boricua’s wipes their asses blows my mind. As I am sitting here going through my picture archives I can’t help but laugh out loud. I can’t decide what stories to tell or which pictures to show you. What I can decide are the stories not to tell and the pictures you’ll never see. But, that’s between us primas.



When my sister got married a few years ago we all went to the big island of Hawaii . I still don’t think Kailua-Kona knows what hit them. One word… Lulu’s! No, make that two words… Booooze Cruise!







I can’t write a post dedicated to Sol Marie without talking about her four punk ass kids Mandi, Carlitos, Brianna and Lizzy. Her oldest is about to turn 12! TWELEVE!!! Jesus Christ, I can remember when he came shooting out! I was 12! Our Grandma died earlier this year and in true Fernandez fashion we had her funeral and then celebrated her life. We celebrate life the same exact way we celebrate anything and everything else with a huge ass party. Family and friends over for food and drinks then more drinks and more drinks and so on. Her kids really enjoyed playing beer pong with us… Go figure?!

Have I mentioned she is a newlywed yet again? Yes, again. To be politically correct you can formally call her as Sol Marie Rodriguez- Arellano- Arreola- Cantu- Gonzales. She may have not done things by the book but I say fuck the book she and her kids are happy and healthy that’s all that matters. Congratulations Sol and Cesar Gonzales!



I wasn’t lying when I said I have a million and two stories. Like that one time we visited a whore house in Mexico , or the time she got caught pants down ass out peeing by that helicopter at the races. I am telling you I could go on and on and on. Instead of going into a million stories I will leave you with some pictures:









Cheers Solie! I love you Bitch! ♥

Dear Blog,

I know I have been neglecting you and for that I am sorry. All is well just busy. I don’t really feel like updating on everything since my last post so I will just leave you with a short story from my last trip to Lake Havasu...

My Dad brought one of his best buddies Uncle Boo up with him. We got to the house around 10pm Friday night and the plan was to hit the beds because we were going to get up at 6am to beat the crowd launching the boat. The rest of the plan for the weekend was to get back to the house and get some work done. Well, let me tell you things did not go as planned. It all started out with a few cocktails and shooting the shit with each other. That’s when I started to notice the plan go a little array. If my dad has ever made you a drink then you know what I mean when I say he makes them STRONG! And if you have ever been lucky (in some cases unlucky) enough to have a drink that was stirred by “THE CARRIBEAN STIRRER” then it’s probably a safe beat you woke up with a hangover.

What the hell is “THE CARRIBEAN STIRRER” you ask? Well, my Dad is straight out of Bayamon , Puerto Rico and when he gets hammered he starts making drinks even stronger than usual and stirring them with his finger instead of something more sanitary like you know maybe a spoon, or just shaking the glass. I’ll be honest by the time he sticks his finger into your drink and yells “CARIBEAN STRIRRER” the drink is so fucking strong any germs or amebas on his finger are instantly killed by all the alcohol. Uncle Boo and my Dad take their party of 2 to the Coleman chairs and park them at the end of the driveway while the rest of us wind down. I walk outside to remind my Dad I am waking him up at 6am and no later than 6:02am will drag him out of bed to hit the water. And this is when I realize the plan had been demolished by Bloody Mary’s:

I follow the smell of Uncle Boo’s grape flavored baby cigar to the end of the driveway where I am blinded by my Dad’s rendition of a laser light show straight into my retinas! That asshole started fucking with me and making fun of me. That’s when I said good night BICTHES! Good thing too because I think any longer and he would have done some permanent damage with the Magna-Light. From here I couldn’t tell you what the two were up to. All I know is Shelly went out there at 4am and put the 2 drunks to bed. At 5am Shelly woke me up in a semi panic “Where’s your Dad?” oh God at this point who fucking knows “Did you check the driveway?” I asked. She looked in the front and backyard but no Mondo in sight. I am unconcerned with where he is at this point. For the love of Jesus Christ he blinded me earlier… me, his youngest daughter. Shelly picks up a 10ft blow up pool that is upside down in the middle of the living room floor wondering why it was there in the first place. And what do you know there’s her husband face down passed the fuck out. Guess he felt like a swim? Haha

So, 6am comes and goes and Mondo is still unconscious. Uncle Boo’s state is unclear until about 9am when he comes walking out of the room all tossed and announces to everyone “I THREW UP! YUP, LIKE A BITCH!” I wrote that entire sentence in all CAPS because that’s just how he said it. Loud.

Needless to say we finally got on the water that afternoon. Hangovers and all, for once theirs not mine.

I have pictures but they take to long to upload so use your imagination. Until next time Suckers…