Dear Jessica Simpson,

I saw on TMZ that your Daisy was taken by a coyote just a week after my Lollie Dollie was brutally attacked.




I am really sorry to read about what happened and my heart breaks for you. If you are at all interested in joining my coyote killing brigade you are more then welcome. I will even make you an honorary member as a tribute to Daisy. Sort of like my co-captain if you will…



Let me know J. Simps?


Sincerely,

Tiffany L. Fernandez
Captain of the Coyote Assassins
Mohave Desert Division

I had the WORST Labor Day weekend!

You will have to excuse my spelling and grammar on this post I am going to write it as fast as I can and I am not going to proof read so here we go...



Friday night I was excited to start the long weekend and had a fantastic night with my boyfriend at the happiest place on earth. We stayed in California Adventure and sipped from the beer cart in between rides.



Saturday morning we woke up and were lounging around when I got a call from my mom. Trying to keep her composer she barely got out “Tiff, a coyote got Lollie”. That’s about all I remember from the conversation. I burst into tears and screamed God knows what at her? What I can remember is being so sick to my stomach I could have barfed on command. Not sure what the damage was Shane and I immediately packed up our bags and headed to Havasu. Thank God for Shane! He drove my sobbing ass the whole way to Havasu on the gas. I won’t even talk about the snot I produced that ride… Gallons!



Here’s the story…



Because I am such a selfish bitch I leave my Lollie with Shelly and Mondo quite often these days. This was one of those weekends and my parents took Lollie with them out to Havasu for the weekend.



We NEVER let Lollie go outside alone not even in BP. We know all about the coyote problem in Havasu and never ever take our eyes off of her. Well, they had been in the front all morning when my mom answered a phone call and was watching Lollie. They were in the driveway and my Dad’s truck was parked in the middle when Lollie went on the other side of the tire. Shelly was hanging up the phone and calling Lollie to come back. Lollie was not even 10 feet away from my Mom when a coyote grabbed her. Shelly said she heard one yelp from Lollie and ran to her and saw a coyote running with her in its mouth. Shelly went running and screaming hysterical after the fucking thing and my Dad came running out from the backyard after it.



Thank God my mom was so loud and screaming her ass off because our neighbors from way down the street thought there was a fight our something and a husband and wife came running out. The husband had a stick in his hand and must have scared the nasty ass coyote because for some reason it dropped Lollie. The man started yelling at my Dad who never saw the coyote “It dropped it! It dropped it!” and pointed in some brush where Lollie was. It drug her about 150 yards! When my Dad saw Lollie she wasn’t moving and all of the sudden she jumped up and started thrashing around hurt. My Dad picked her up and started sprinting for the truck.



For some reason a cop had a car full of people pulled over right when you come out of our neighborhood. They are still not sure if the cop had given them a ticket or not but he dropped what he was doing and told my Dad to follow him. They speed right behind the cop to the vet. Thank you baby Jesus for that cop! We can’t thank you enough Officer Pete’s friend!!! He called ahead and the vet and vet techs were waiting outside for Lollie. Between the cop getting them to the vet so quick and the vet and her husband they saved her life.



Lollie got bit in the head and neck and has a bunch of puncture wounds. That asshole coyote’s teeth went straight into her ear hole and punctured her eardrum. She had brain trauma, a brain bleed, a broken jaw and was losing a lot of blood. Like I said earlier 150 YARDS!!! My Lollie is only 7 pounds and that fucker drug her, banging her on the ground trying to kill her for 150 yards (a full football field and a half!). Since Havasu does not have adequate care for this type of trauma and Lollie was not stable enough to make it the 2 ½ hours to Vegas the Vet and her husband who was the nurse at the place took her home to watch her because her brain was swelling and they were not sure if she was going to make it through the night. They called us every 4 hours with an update.



We picked her up Sunday morning and I finally got to see her. She had stigmas because of the brain trauma and her eyes were twitching back and forth like crazy and she was holding her little head to the side with her left ear way down because her equilibrium was off due to her eardrum. She had 4 IVs going in her little body and looked like she had parkinson's or something. Her whole left side is shaved and let’s not even talk about the bruising. She was stable enough to make the drive to Tustin to see the neurologist. We drove straight there. She passed all of the neurology tests except her eyes but she still could not walk. It has been a week and they can’t believe how much she has recovered or that she even made it through all of that.



Only a week and she is doing great! She still holds her head to the side and walks like she is a little drunk but her eardrum will take time to heal. They say she might always have the slit head tilt but they give her an optimistic chance at recovering 100%. Everyone keeps saying that God saved her but what I want to know is why God let it happen to my baby in the first place!?!?!?



Sorry if I left anything out, I really wanted to get this post over and done with. Plus, I am a little distracted by googling the best way to kill a coyote. If anyone else is in for a few kills let me know? All we need is a hunting license and it is game on!



Thanks for everyone’s love and support



Yours truly,



The Fucking Coyote Hunter

They say it's your birthday.

A Happy Birthday is in order. But we will call it more of an ode to the women who birthed my sister and me.



From left to Right: Tiffany Lauren and Tristan Lynn





Tris and Tiff





I guess I should write something nice for my mother’s birthday. But, if I did she would probably fall over dead. And since we need her around for a little while longer I have decided to go with my same old banter…







Once we forgot Shelly’s birthday. And oh did she ever give us hell for it! She kept quite the entire day and into the night waiting and waiting, maybe she thought we were going to surprise her? And when nothing was mentioned she stopped halfway up the stairs and screamed “You forgot my birthday!?!?!” which caused me and my sister to look at each other and go into a laughing frenzy. Shelly stomped the rest of the way up the stairs and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night. Our Dad called us bitches (we usually are), shoved some cash in our hands and sent us to the store to buy a cake and candles but it was a lost cause, there was no salvaging her day after that one. She still after many years has not let us live it down. “I’m scarred for life” is her recollection of that year’s lack of celebration. Oops.







I can remember an inestimable amount of times she locked herself in her room when we were kids. I like to think of me and Tristan as a tag team instead of sisters. We didn’t fight with each other often growing up but what we would do is team up against our parents. 99.99% of the time Shelly was our prime target, we would wear her down until she had enough and once we got the rise out of her she would stomp up the stairs and lock herself away from us in self defense. Victory was sweet! Now that we are adults we have incorporated new tactics to torture our parentals. She no longer locks herself in her room, I am never home and my sister lives 5000 miles away. Three-way comes in handy and she now just hangs up on our asses.



Mother/daughter bouffant





Did your parents ever tell you things like “I have had it up to HERE with you Tiffany Lauren!”? With emphasis on the HERE! And then point with four fingers scrunched together somewhere near their head? Well, I think our mom must have invented it. We knew when we really got her going, she would use her coined phrase but the four finger pointer was up high above her head. I wish she would still do that. Hey Mailee, any chance you want to play a game called Mama Shelly’s “had it” level???







Shelly isn’t what you would consider a wild child. But in her old age it is safe to say she has been the life of the party. One New Years Eve we came home to find her on the couch with a cowgirl hat on and in front of her was her own personal platter of Jell-O shots. She was watching some hick comedy tour, fist pumping the air and screaming WHOOOOOHHHHHOOOO!!! This was her first time inebriated and needless to say she didn’t leave the bathroom floor that night. She must have learned a lesson I have yet to be taught because she hasn’t seen that floor so close up since. This new found wild side of our Mother’s also decided she was going to get a tattoo two years ago. Tristan and I told her not to but she didn’t listen. She got this little number in Vegas with a pastor’s wife…











At this point you probably feel bad for Shelly. Well, don’t. She deserves all the teasing she receives from us two. Although my sister is much less brutal than myself I think that maybe due to the fact she has blocked out most of our childhood. She blames it on the epidural and says she can’t remember anything before Miles was born.







Tristan how can you forget! This is why!!! I know it’s painful but it is things like this that make you question if Mom ever loved us?



Splash splash splash!





I'm a dancing poodle...





Yes, that litte boy to the left is me





We love you Shelly and Happy 48th Birthday you pain in my ass!



I said Good Day.